Jew #1 emailed me after six minutes of being on the world wide web. His email was funny, sweet, kind and he was highly impressed with my beauty and brains. A plus for Jew #1.
Apparently, he has never met the exotic blend of Puerto Rican and Jewish, prior to laying eyes on my well constructed profile and photo. I will now admit that Nathaniel wrote my profile and there is nothing better than having yourself written about by a gay man who adores you. His profile, I mean, my profile was savvy, snappy and sexy. A kittenish mosaic of professional, balls-to-the wall successful woman blended with bad girl gone sassy. I loved her. Then I wished I could be her.
After the appropriate seven phone calls, assorted emails and various text messaging, all of which are a huge part of the dating world today. Jew #1 fit the criteria perfectly: never married (translated into no child support or alimony payments); no kids (translated into no college tuition); mother and father both dead (translated to no meddling old Jewish lady to torment me or ask for offspring) and he was a partner in a large law firm. I was officially the winner of " Jew-Date Bingo." The only down side was he was 5'10 inches and bald with a tiny tummy.....ah, it seemed like a small price to pay...
Game on! I agreed to have Jew #1 pick me up at my house. ( I know you are groaning...total rookie error on my part)
I took precious time to prep, primp, curl, tweeze, manicure, shave, highlight, iron and coordinate a killer outfit completed only by an amazing push up bra, which women over 40 can truly appreciate. (It's kinda like picking up two old stretched out friends and lovingly placing them steel plated protective custody for the evening) I was HOT.
Ding Dong.....the white Jewish knight has arrived. I slowly walk down my interior steps knowing full well he could see me descending through the glass door. His smile is brighter than a hundred watt bulb without a lampshade. I gleefully open the front door and he steps inside my domicile.
What. The. Fuck.
There seems to be a grave issue of misrepresentation here? The white knight on the Jewish Internet has been replaced by a symmetrically round 5'4" gentleman who was profusely sweating and stammering in my entry hall.
Oye Vey........I am officially dating a hard-boiled egg with legs.........its gonna be a long night.
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By the way... I love you, everything about you, just the way you are and I love hard boiled eggs. For that matter I love a lot of HARD things. You're on your way to Showtime or HBO calling wanting to make a series or movie out of your blog. They did with Julie Powell, didn't they? And your blog is so much funnier and jucier! And I've thought about it, I'll play myself. If we get a gig on TV or the radio, we'll be famous and fame is a powerful magnet. Let's get together next week and refine those proposals. We'll work together and find your Prince charming and maybe his father for me (?) if it kills us (and probably him). I'll post to you later today. XOXO The jewish Black belt Mama.
ReplyDeleteFunny, funny... Jew #1's profile description reminds me of Harry Goldenblatt ;-)
ReplyDeleteWonder if I should lie on my profile - to make up for anything women discount from it... I've been truthful. Now I feel like a total putz.